I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
