Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
