why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
