My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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