I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
