I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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