I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
