You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
