I am spending my child support on dildos
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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