it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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