I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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