Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
should my penis look like a turkey
where are you?
Hypothermia
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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