the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
