remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
