Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
