please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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