I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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