this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
