mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
