I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
