Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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