our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
