after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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