Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
