I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
