My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
