LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
