I smell stomach acid.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
