You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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