The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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