i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
