Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
