I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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