How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
