They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
