I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
