There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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