I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
