if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
