I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
