I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
