this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
