Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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