I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
