The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
