Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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