Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
