so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
