She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
