we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
