I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
