I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
