Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Randomize
