I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
