i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
