Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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